every little thing's gonna be alright.

we left new brunswick ten days ago, and now i'm finally sitting here again, writing, writing and erasing, not sure of what to say or how to say it.

it's been an eventful week and a half, ups and downs.

i found out on my birthday (seriously? my birthday?!)that i didn't get in to the master's program i applied to at UBC.  you know - the only program i applied to, the basket in which i tossed all of my eggs in a whirlwind 10 days back at the beginning of september as i struggled and scrambled to put together a portfolio in time.  i guess i assumed that i would get in, regardless of a crappy letter of intent (written in the last 45 minutes before the midnight deadline) and a slapped-together gong show of a portfolio.  and for some stupid reason, the rejection made turning thirty that much harder.  

it's such a nice, fuzzy feeling to be on some kind of a path, to know what's next, to have a plan.  before going to SSU, i was terrified of committing to a four-year program; but once i was there, i relished the feeling of security, of not having to make any decisions about where i was going or what i was doing.  in university, things move in a natural rhythm that was well-suited to my personality:  chunks of time spent at school, summers and christmases for a change of pace and scene, travel semesters for adventuring...but always coming back to the big yellow house eventually, always being together again eventually.

now i am cut adrift in the wide open world with endless possibilities, decisions that will lead to happiness or despair, greatness or mediocrity.  

remember when 'choose your own adventure' stories were popular?  as a kid, it seemed like my first instincts always led my princess (or other character) to a tragic end.  i would go back and make different decisions and different decisions until finally, the happiest ending was achieved.  it doesn't exactly work that way in real life, sadly.  and it has me immobilized, paralyzed by indecision.

i found another program after my post-traumatic rejection shock wore off, one that maybe even excites me more than the original program i applied to.  but now i'm scared, scared to death, scared out of my pants about applying and not getting in.  oy vey.

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a random assortment.

some things i have been thinking about lately:

- how exciting it is that M.A.C cosmetics are cruelty-free.  it's weird because they don't advertise it a lot, but PETA endorses them because their products are never, ever tested on animals.  this has been something that i have been wrestling with for quite some time...the idea that why should some poor, defenseless bunny suffer because i want to put black goo on my eyelashes?  this is something to seriously think about.  while i can admit that there might be a little bit of weight to the arguments that are pro-animal testing in terms of medical research, what possible justification can we have when the cause of suffering is simply vanity?  there is no reason, none whatsoever, why animal testing for cosmetics and toiletries should still exist.  it is cruel and unjustifiable.  and i am delighted to find out that M.A.C is one of the companies that acknowledges this.  especially since their Liquidlast Eyeliner is probably the best product out there for liquid liners - it doesn't move!  swimming?  sleeping?  no problem!  i encourage everyone to put a little research into the products that you buy.  there are so, so many options now for bath products, skin care, and cosmetics that are not tested on animals.  just because we all would rather not know what goes on before the product arrives on store shelves, it still does go on.  millions of animals are abused every year for the sake of 'beauty', and it's just not right.

- anne lamott.  she says, if you want to be a writer, you must write every day.  write no matter what.  and since i trust anne lamott on most things, i'm going to take her word for it.  i may not always write here, but i will be writing.  i always fall prey to that stupid idea that if you are meant to be a ________, it will come easy to you.  especially in the arts.  the concept of a writer/painter/speaker/etc working on his or her craft, maybe even being kind of bad at it at first, is one that i have never really allowed myself to believe  (...probably because i really hate editing).
nevertheless, it is a true thing that committing oneself to an activity generally leads to increased ability in said activity.  it is also a true thing that for heather mercer, discipline chafes at her like a badly-fitting bridle.  in spite of this, she is determined to try.  or, since (as we all know) there is no 'try', she will do.  and she will cease and desist from speaking about herself in the third person, immediately.

- turning 30.  they say it's great, that the 30's are a magical time where you suddenly have it all figured out.  i can't imagine that this is the case, but i'm trying to be open to the possibility.  it's strange to take stock of your life so far, and to find yourself lacking.  i have lived through great swaths of time in which i was absolutely certain that i knew who i was and what 'it' was all about.  i have also lived through the classic 'ssu-deconstruction' when i was still pretty sure that i knew who i was but less sure about what 'it' was all about.  now, on the verge of being suddenly and mystically whole at the stroke of midnight on december 10, i can admit that i'm not who i thought i was at all and i truly have no idea how to move on in the world.  i have terrible moments of hoping that maybe the human race will go extinct so that we don't destroy everything, which seems to be our pattern.  we have a disturbing penchant for doing the absolute worst things virtually all of the time, from genocides right down to animal testing to littering to telling white lies.  we may be beautiful creatures even despite this obvious brokenness, with the capacity for incredible love and justice, but i'm sorry to say that the good simply does not outweigh the evil.  in spite of our moments of grandeur, we humans are far too willing to accept the lowest status quo in word and in deed.  i'm sorry to be a downer, but this has been on my mind a lot lately.  life may be beautiful, but we, as a species, seem bent on making it ugly.

- am i having an existential crisis?! 


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