doing my best.

ok, so i missed two days.  and almost three.

you know what this reminds me of?  when i used to be completely wrapped up in the Pentecostal church as a tween/teenager,  fasting was a big deal - and by 'big deal', i mean that it was a sign of how holy you were/were not.  i would vow (and i do mean vow) to fast for x amount of time.  sometimes i would be victorious/holy and sometimes i would eat/fail miserably.  there was no guarantee of spiritual enlightenment from the fast, but there sure was a guarantee that if i did not fulfill every agonizing day i would feel like the most unholy of creatures for weeks on end.  isn't that messed up?  i'd say yes.  i got the impression from these ridiculous attempts at sainthood that i was a) a failure, and b) never able to follow through on anything.  i don't know if these are the elements of selfhood that my youth group aimed at instilling in us, but either way, they succeeded. 

so it's not really surprising to me that, after just a few days, i have already been defeated by my own determination to make reckless vows.  it's no big deal, but it brings up bad memories that i have to actively try to keep at bay.

oh well.  perhaps i just need to get over my need for perfection.  if i write here for 28 out of 30 days, or 12, i am still writing, still trying.  and i guess that's all that matters.

in other news, tonight i made mushroom ravioli for the first time in life, and it was exciting.

.