10 days into the new year, i am sitting down to write for the first time in a long time. christmas is a strange being, isn't it? no matter how i plan for it, the holidays always seem to wipe out my will power and resolve. routines vaporize and healthy eating turns into turtles for breakfast. the concept of writing seems foreign and inaccessible, and 'personal time' consists of getting ready for the next event. i inevitably turn into a busy blob with a full schedule.
it didn't help that i was stressed about getting my new school application sent for about three full weeks. isn't it a dastardly thing, to sell yourself on paper? to know that your entire future rests in the hands of someone who may be in the foulest mood on the morning that they review your application? my friend nato used to say that academics is a game, and he was right. every morsel of truth must be swaddled in layer upon layer of bullshit. that being said, i desperately want to get into this program. the course content just seems to right for me, but i have done what i can do: i have sent in a stack of papers with my name at the top. i have no idea what my chances are, but if i don't get in, i would like to think that i will be okay. i will choose another adventure for my book.
christmas, though busy, was great. chris and i really felt the joy of not being in northern alberta anymore, like the last two christmases. we split our time between my grandma's (bedroom with a sheet for a wall) and his parents ("hammock of springs" pull-out couch), and i have to say...we are really looking forward to getting our own place. the year after we got married, we lived in an amazingly decrepit apartment in new brunswick while chris finished his BA, but since then, we have been on the move. during our two years in alberta, we moved five times (five!) and since we left in may, we have been road warriors (a.k.a. homeless). this has made it possible for us to do some great things: east coast road trip this summer, new york for two months, st. stephen for a month in november, minnesota for ten days at new year's, and now vancouver for a month or two. i realize that this time is a gift, and that these things wouldn't be possible if we had an apartment to pay for back in ontario. as much as i anticipate getting settled for a while in a place, i do worry that i will feel discontent once we've locked in. and isn't it likely? i live in this tension, the desire for adventure and the need for stability.
the past two days in vancouver have been amazing and sunny, and we are questioning all over again why it is that we don't feel like moving here. there is no denying that this is a gorgeous city, and there is something incredibly appealing about the vibe. nature is everywhere...beaches, trails, old old trees. we are wearing light jackets and it's january. and all this is not to mention the fact that we have over 20 of our best friends living in the city. moving here, in so many ways, would just make sense.
but.
i cannot shake the feeling that it's just not the place, or at least not for now. as much as i love it here (it's our fourth time visiting friends in the past year), as much as i can imagine me here, there is something unnameable that makes me hesitate, and turn away.
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